


25 Days Of Horrible Christmas Pick-up Lines

by Archangelsanonymous (Pattypixie)



Series: Christmas Fics [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bad Pick-Up Lines, Christmas, Innuendo, M/M, Pre-Slash Destiel, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-24
Updated: 2014-12-24
Packaged: 2018-03-03 04:19:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2837711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pattypixie/pseuds/Archangelsanonymous
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gabriel tries every day in December to try and get Sam to sleep with him. Sam is impressed by his persistance, but refuses to give in. Not yet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	25 Days Of Horrible Christmas Pick-up Lines

   “Hey, Sam,” Gabriel said, walking into the bunker’s library.

   Sam closed his book and looked up. “Yes?”

   “I have a question for you,” the archangel walked over to Sam with something behind his back.

   “And that would be?”

   “You wanna lick my candy cane?” Gabriel pulled a candy cane out from behind his back and licked it suggestively. “Can’t guarantee it will taste like peppermint though.”

   “Oh my god…” Sam blushed and sunk into his chair, opening his book back up.

   “Your loss…” Gabriel sing-songed, walking away.

 

***

  
   The constant bell ringing coming from down the hallway was giving Sam a splitting headache. He knew exactly who it was because, honestly, who else could it be? He sighed as he walked into the archangel’s room.

   “Gabriel, can you not?” Sam asked, massaging his forehead.

   “What’s wrong, Samm-o?” Gabriel laid back on his bed, pointing at different bells that were hovering above his head and making them ring. “Did YOU want to jingle my bells instead?” He wiggled his eyebrows and Sam groaned.

   “Just shut up,” the hunter demanded, walking back to his room.

 

***

  
   Sam narrowed his eyes as Gabriel paced around the main room of the bunker.

   “Okay, I’ll bite,” Sam finally said, sighing. “What is on your pants?”

   “Oh this?” Gabriel walked over, pointed at his waistband and stuck his hips out a bit. Sam immediately recognized the foliage and his head fell to the table.

   “No.”

   “Come on, Sam-a-lam!” Gabriel wiggled his hips, making the mistletoe sway on his belt buckle. “It’s a Christmas tradition!”

   Sam stood up and walked away without a word, ignoring the tiny jingle of bells as Gabriel kept shaking his hips.

 

***

 

   Sam struggled trying to unlock the bunker door. It didn’t help that he was weighed down with bags containing supplies, those being mostly beer, ground beef, and hamburger buns. How Dean and Cas ate so many hamburgers was beyond him. Eventually he got the door open and noticed a huge tree that had to be at least a story and a half tall.

   “Honey, you’re home!” Gabriel grinned as he hovered around the tree, putting ornaments on it.

   “Why do we have a Christmas tree?” Sam asked, raising an eyebrow as he descended the stairs.

   “Yule tree,” Gabriel corrected. “And it’s 20 days until Christmas! We need a tree!”

   “Not even gonna try to argue,” Sam sighed, setting the bags on the table.

   “Hey, I have an idea to get you into the spirit!” Gabriel floated down and landed one foot at a time.

   “No.”

   Gabriel ignored Sam and continued. “How about we pretend I'm going on that tree and you impale me with your wood?”

   “I have to put these away,” Sam rolled his eyes, grabbing the bags up again and walking into the kitchen.

  
  


***

  
   “Alright, I’m so ready for some memory foam,” Dean announced, dropping his bags and walking away from them toward his bedroom. “No apocalypses until morning.” Gabriel waited until he heard Dean’s door close until he wrapped his arm around Sam’s shoulders.

   “Care to stay up with me for a while, Samsquatch?” Gabriel offered. “Celebrate a hunt gone well?”

   Sam shrugged. “Sure. Won’t be able to get to sleep for a bit anyway.”

   Gabriel snapped his fingers and two glasses of eggnog appeared on the table. Sam sat down and grabbed a glass, smelling it a little suspiciously.

   “This isn’t spiked, is it?” he asked, eying Gabriel a bit.

   “No,” Gabriel responded. “But if you’re in the mood for it, you can spike me later.” Gabriel grinned, and Sam set the glass back down.

   “You know, I’m suddenly exhausted,” Sam stood back up and walked to his bedroom.

 

***

 

   Sam stretched as he walked out into the main room of the bunker. Gabriel was laying on his back under the tree with his arms behind his head.

   “What are you doing?” Sam asked, rubbing his eyes.

   “I got you an early present!” Gabriel pointed down his body where a bow was resting on his crotch.

   “Too fucking early, Gabriel,” Sam shook his head and walked into the kitchen for coffee.

 

***

  
   A couple months after they had moved into the bunker, Sam thought it would be a good idea if they set some security cameras up outside, just in case. It had taken forever for him to put them up, but with Kevin’s help, he had got them hooked up and hidden pretty well.

   Sam opened his laptop and clicked into the program. Everything looked pretty calm out there, but it was really...dry. Sam leaned his head on his hand and sighed, staring at the screen.

   “What’s wrong, Samoose?”

   Sam looked up upon hearing Gabriel’s voice and straightened up. “Just uh, checking the security cameras,” He explained. “Is it weird that it hasn’t snowed yet?”

   “Hmm,” Gabriel came around to the back of Sam and looked over his shoulder. “You know, I could make it snow.”

   “You’d do that?” Sam asked, turning to face him.

   “Well, you’d have to give me a White Christmas in return,” Gabriel smirked and wiggled his eyebrows a bit.

   “Damnit, Gabriel,” Sam grumbled, closing his laptop and walking away.

 

***

  
   “Ay, Sammy!” Dean called from one end of the library. “Check out what I found!”

   Sam walked over and looked at the video reels that were in Dean’s hands. “More exorcism footage?”

   “Nope,” Dean said, grinning. “These are those cheesy claymation Christmas movies from the 60’s!”

   As if he was usually summoned by old Christmas movies, Gabriel popped into the library. “No way! I love those things!” He remarked, candy cane in his hand. “My favorite is Rudolph.”

   “Oh?” Sam raised an eyebrow. “And why is that?”

   Gabriel grinned and leaned in close to Sam. “Because I’ve got all kinds of misfit toys in my bedroom.”

   “I prefer Jack Frost,” Sam sighed, walking back to his reading.

 

***

  
   “Sam, I need your help,” Cas requested, walking over to where Sam was staring at his computer screen.

   “Yeah, Cas, sure,” He said, glad to get a break from the bright light. “What’s up?”

   “I have read this book to better understand your human traditions,” Cas handed over a copy of Twas The Night Before Christmas. “Why isn’t that man more concerned about someone breaking into his place of residence?”

   Sam chuckled and closed his laptop. “Because it’s Santa, Cas,” Sam explained. “The myth is that he comes to everyone’s house on Christmas eve and leaves them presents under their Christmas tree.”

   “YULE tree,” Gabriel corrected again, showing up out of nowhere. “Yeah, Cassie, it’s just a stupid thing that humans believe in.”

   “Well it’s good to know Santa isn’t real,” Sam smiled a little.

   “Please. No being is that nice,” Gabriel said. “I’ll tell you though. If it was me in that poem, mouse or not, I’d be making something stir.” He winked at Sam who rolled his eyes and groaned, opening his laptop back up.

 

***

  
   Sam took a second look as he walked by the fireplace that was in the library. He closed his book and stared at the mantle a moment. It seemed bare for some reason. Sam set the book down and went to grab a box he had found when they went through the storage rooms.

   “Are you finally getting into the spirit, Samster?” He heard Gabriel say behind him as he was putting up his second stocking.

   “The mantle just seemed kinda bare, you know?” Sam replied, about to put up a third stocking. “This was always my favorite kind of decoration, too.”

   “You don’t need to put one up for me,” Gabriel mentioned, falling into one of the armchairs nearby.

   “I’m going to regret asking why, aren’t I?” Sam sighed, holding the fourth stocking.

   “The only thing I want my stocking stuffed with is you,” Gabriel grinned.

   Sam walked over and pulled the stocking over Gabriel’s head and face before walking away.

 

***

 

 “SAAAAAAM!”

   Gabriel’s voice echoed throughout the bunker and Sam ran out to the main room, worried he had somehow done something irreversible. He took a breath as he entered and looked up at Gabriel, who was bundled up in a scarf and santa hat, a pair of snow-covered gloves on his hands.

   “What?”

   “It snowed!” Gabriel shouted, raising his hands above his head. “Come outside and see what I made!”

   Sam debated with himself internally for a moment, trying to decide whether it was worth seeing what Gabriel had made for a chance to go out in the snow. Whatever it was couldn’t be that bad, he decided, and threw on a hat and scarf. He followed Gabriel outside and his jaw dropped at what the archangel had made.

   “You like?” Gabriel asked, grinning. There were two snowmen, one standing up and the other “bending over” in front of it. The standing snowman had branches sticking out of it’s head like antlers and a large carrot was stuck in bottom part of the sculpture. The snowman that was bending over had branches sticking out of his “back” like wings and a ring of red berries where the first snowman’s “carrot” was pointing.

   “Are you serious?” Sam asked, caught between shock and embarrassment.

   “Well, I probably would have given up already if it was anyone else but...Hey, what are you doing?”

   Sam walked over to the snowmen and punched in the berries. Next he grabbed the carrot and broke it in half, throwing it over his shoulder as he walked past Gabriel to go back inside.

 

***

  
   “I’m considering making a list,” Cas announced, grabbing a piece of paper and a pen and sitting down at the table with the brothers.

   “Alright?” Sam looked at Dean who shrugged. “What kind of list, Cas?”

   “A list recording who I know is good and who I know is bad,” Cas explained. “I hear that your mythical being ‘Santa’ keeps such a list.”

   “You’re making a ‘Naughty or Nice’ list?” Dean asked, chuckling a little.

   “Come on, Sparrow, that will take forever,” Gabriel rolled his eyes as he came out of the kitchen with a gingerbread cookie in his hand.

   “Then I shall make it just for whom I am in constant contact with,” Cas started writing on the paper in enochian and Gabriel shook his head.

   “Well, I know I’m on the good list,” Dean announced, grinning.

   “I’m afraid not, Dean,” Cas corrected. “You have lied a significant amount this year. To me, Sam, Gabriel...Everyone, really.”

   Dean frowned, grabbing his beer and getting up. “Whatever. Didn’t want to be on your stupid list anyway,” he grumbled, stomping off to his room.

   “I’ve accepted that I’m perpetually on the naughty list,” Gabriel stated, taking a bite of his cookie. “Wanna find out why I’m on it this year, Sammy?”

   “I’ll stay on the nice list, thanks,” Sam sighed, sticking his nose back in his book.

   “Actually, Sam--”

   “Shut up, Cas.”

 

***

  
   “Ohhhhh, Sam,” Gabriel poked his head into Sam’s room, where he was laying on his bed, finally catching up on A Song of Ice and Fire.

   “Speak,” Sam demanded, not looking up from the book.

   “You know that German tradition with the pickle?” Gabriel asked, stepping into the room.

   “It’s not actually German,” Sam amended, trying to focus on his book.

   “Eh whatever,” Gabriel shrugged. “Anyway, I got you something for your room.” Sam looked up and saw Gabriel holding a small one foot tree, decorated with a little angel on top.

   “Where are your pants?” Sam sighed, raising an eyebrow.

   “Well, you’ll have to find the pickle I hid so I can tell you and give you an early present,” Gabriel wiggled his eyebrows and grinned.

   “No,” Sam stated, pointing to the door. “Out.” Gabriel’s smile fell and he started to back out of the room. “Wait. Leave the tree.” Gabriel raised an eyebrow and set the tree on Sam’s dresser, smirking as he turned to walk out the door, knowing Sam’s eyes were glued to his ass.

 

***

 

   “What’s this?” Sam asked, pulling a flyer out of a grocery bag that Dean had come home with.

   Dean looked over at the piece of paper and shrugged. “Bag boy must have put it in,” he assumed. “What is it?”

   “Some kind of--” The paper was ripped out of Sam’s hand by Gabriel coming behind him before he had a chance to read it fully.

   “‘Twas The Night Before Christmas,” Gabriel read. “To be performed by the University of Kansas theater department.”

   “I bet Cas would like to go,” Dean commented.

   “Maybe you could ask him to go and get bring out that suppressed sexual frustration,” Gabriel offered, turning the paper over.

   “I’m not--I don’t--” Dean huffed and walked off to his room. “Shut up, Gabriel.”

   Gabriel laughed and set the flyer back down in front of Sam. “So, what do you say?”

   “What?” Sam raised an eyebrow as the archangel sat down next to him.

   “Do YOU wanna go?” Gabriel asked.

   “Are you asking me on a date?” Sam chuckled and leaned back in his chair.

   "Well visions of you have been dancing in my head, sugarplum,” Gabriel winked. “And just wait until I get you all snug and nestled in my bed.”

   “So close,” Sam slapped his hand on Gabriel’s thigh and walked away to the library.

 

***

  
   Sam stopped at the fireplace and stared at it a moment. Only three stockings were hung up and it bothered him. The fourth stocking he had taken out was laying on one of the armchairs.

   “Gabriel,” Sam said, walking into the main room, holding the decoration. “Do you want me to hang your stocking up?”

   Gabriel took his feel down from where they were kicked up on the table and smirked. “I dunno about the stocking,” he walked around and stood in front of Sam, “but we can go over to that fireplace, and you can see how well I’m hung.”

   “Don’t know what I expected,” Sam rolled his eyes and walked back into the library to hang up Gabriel’s stocking anyway.

 

***

  
   Sam speared his salad as he watched Gabriel crossed the bunker repeatedly, grabbing various winter clothing items. It was when he grabbed a whip and put a strand of bells around Sam’s neck that he had to speak up.

   “Gabriel, what are you doing?” Sam asked, flicking one of the bells around his neck.

   "Well, I'm gonna ride you like a sleigh, so we’d better look the part,” Gabriel explained, putting a crown of holly on Sam’s head.

   “I hope you get frostbite,” Sam replied, pulling the bells off and taking his salad into the kitchen.

   “Come on, Sam!” Gabriel sang. “It’s lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with yoooooou!”

   “NO,” Sam yelled from the kitchen, throwing the holly crown out into the main room.

 

***

 

   Sam looked down at the piece of paper that Gabriel had slapped on his chest. Someday he would be able to get through ONE book in peace.

   "Does that say ‘Emmanuel’?" He asked, looking at the tag, confused. “I’m not--Shouldn’t that be Dean?”

   “Please, Sammy,” Gabriel scoffed. “Hey-sus was a prophet. Dad just happened to have a lot to say in those 25 years.”

   “So, what’s with the label, then?”

   “I wanna act out the song,” Gabriel explained. “You know, 'Come, Oh Come, Emmanuel’?” Gabriel snapped himself on a pair of fake angel wings. “You’ll be Emmanuel and I’ll be myself, announcing your coming.”

   Sam pulled off the tag and ripped it up. “I’m glad you’re resorting to blatant blasphemy to try and get in my pants.” He opened his book back up and continued to read.

   “So, does that mean…”

   “No.”

 

***

 

   “Hey, Samsquatch,” Gabriel strolled into the library and sat down in the armchair across from Sam.

   “Yes, Gabriel?” Sam sighed, setting his book down.

   “What do you think about past lives?” Gabriel titled his head a little.

   Sam was taken aback a little. “Past lives?” he looked up, considering the idea. “Wouldn’t you know all about that?”

   “Well, yeah,” Gabriel grinned. “I was just wondering if you thought you were a nutcracker in a past life.”

   “I, um…” Sam was getting more and more confused about the conversation.

   “I just keep getting this strong urge to put my nuts in your mouth,” Gabriel winked. Sam’s face went from confused to bitch in less than a second as he closed his book and walked away.

 

***

 

   For once, it was finally quiet in the bunker. Dean had taken Cas out to a bar again to make himself jealous by weakly “helping” him get laid. The last time Sam had gone with them, Dean almost snarled at any girl that happened to glance toward the angel. It was almost painful watching the two of them.

   The one thing that bothered Sam was that Gabriel was home, and it WAS quiet. As if on queue, Gabriel showed up in front of him, peering over his book.

   “Um, yes?” Sam asked, setting the book down.

   “Quiet tonight, huh?” Gabriel commented, rocking back on his heels.

   “It was,” Sam sighed.

   “Since the bros are out,” Gabriel grinned, “What do you say we make this a ‘not-so-silent’ night? Being with me will automatically make it holy.”

    “You are incorrigible,” Sam rolled his eyes and opened his book back up, giving Gabriel the cold shoulder.

 

***

 

   “What are you wearing?” Sam asked when Gabriel came strolling into the main room wearing a red suit.

   “Just getting into the spirit,” Gabriel replied, adjusting his santa hat.

   “You don’t even believe in Christmas,” Sam commented.

   “Of course I do, Sammy! I was there!” Gabriel recalled, offended. “But, I prefer the materialism.”

   “So, you’re gonna be Santa?” Sam chuckled a little.

   “Maybe,” Gabriel wiggled his eyebrows a bit. “If you’re a good boy, you can make ‘Santa’ come early this year.”

   “I’m converting to Buddhism,” Sam got up and walked to the kitchen.

   “He was just a prophet, too!” Gabriel called after him

***

 

   Sam sighed, barely looking for a case on his laptop. Even though Dean insisted, it was far too close to Christmas to try and find something. He could tell that his brother didn’t really want to go anywhere for the holiday either, since they finally had somewhere to celebrate at, but Sam still clicked through the news articles trying to find something that caught his eye. That was until Cas came up to him with a tube of wrapping paper.

   “Would you hold out your arm, please?” Cas asked, unrolling some paper.

   “Um…” Sam held out his arm and Cas laid the paper on it, pulling it under his arm so that it was completely covered in the paper. “Are you wrapping me?”

   “Yes,” Cas nodded and ripped the paper, then taped it closed. “Gabriel said that all he wanted for Christmas was you, and I believe it is the convention to wrap presents?” The angel came around to his other side and unrolled more paper. “Your other arm, please.”

   “Cas,” Sam rubbed the bridge of his nose and shook his head. “Wrapping me isn’t what he meant.”

   “What the--SAM! GOD--FUCK! SAMMMMPHfff…”

   “Dean?” Sam called, standing up and ripping the wrapping paper off his arm.

   “MMMMMMM!” He heard coming from under the tree, accompanied by some wrinkling of paper. He walked over and saw Dean wrapped up in green, metallic paper with a red ribbon tied around his mouth and middle with a large bow on the top of his head.

   Sam stifled a laugh and went over to help his brother. “Gabriel?” he asked.

   “YES,” Dean snapped, struggling against the wrapping.

   “Looks like,” Sam pulled a tag off of Dean. “It’s to Cas.”

   “MERRY CHRISTMAS, BRO!” Gabriel announced, throwing his arms up as he stepped into the room. “I see you also got what I wanted!” He gave Cas a hug and grinned. “I knew you’d come through.”

   “Nope.” Sam left Dean where he was and walked away.

   “Hey! Sam!” Dean kept moving to try and get out of the cocoon of paper. “DAMNIT SAM!”

   “Dean, I can help,” Cas offered, walking over.

   “NO.”

 

***

 

   “Are you still wearing that?” Sam sighed when Gabriel sat down next to him in the library.

   “I like it,” Gabriel rubbed the arms of his Santa suit. “It’s cozy.”

   “Really?” Sam raised an eyebrow. “All that wool?”

   “I think it fits me well,” Gabriel smiled and took a bit of a conjured cookie.

   “What? Giving people what you think they deserve?”

   “Isn’t that the point of Santa?”

   Sam thought about it and actually had to agree. “Huh. Didn’t think about it that way,” he nodded.

   “Well then,” Gabriel grinned and patted his thighs. “Come sit on Santa’s lap and tell me what a good boy you've been.”

   “I hope you don’t tell kids that,” Sam picked his book back up and started reading again.

 

***

 

   Sam was about to go to bed on Christmas Eve when he noticed something on the table. When he walked over, he noticed it was a plate with a bottle of KY and a spread of condoms on it. Honestly, there was only one being in the bunker that would have put it there, and the archangel in question slid up next to him as he was looking at the plate.

   "Gabriel, did you leave lube and condoms out?" Sam asked, straight out.  
   "Yep,” Gabriel confirmed. “I'm planning to mount me a reindeer.” He grinned up at Sam who rolled his eyes.

   “It’s moose,” Sam corrected, turning to go to bed.

 

***

 

   Christmas day at the bunker went surprisingly well, Sam receiving a new laptop bag from Dean, and Cas had organized the entire library for him. He had originally done it alphabetically, but after Sam showed him the Dewey Decimal system, it only took about an hour before it was reorganized. All Sam had to do was label everything. To be honest, he didn’t mind it. It was surprisingly relaxing doing the repetitive work, and it let him see everything that they owned.

   It was getting late so he decided to grab something to read and headed to to fire to relax before bed. As he got close, he heard some kind of tune coming from where he was headed and slowed down a bit.

   “Heill dagr...Heilir dags synir…”

   Sam inched closer and noticed it was Gabriel sitting in front of the fire, picking at a small string instrument that looked scandinavian.

   “Heil nótt ok nift…”

   Sam hid behind a column, content to just listen to the archangel as he sang in, what Sam assumed to be old Norse. His voice was smooth but had a bit of a grain, rolling over his lips like whiskey over ice. To be honest, it reminded Sam a lot of his eyes and he silently gasped, realizing that it was probably Gabriel’s true for peeking through.

   “Óreiðum augum...lítið okkr þinig...ok gefið sitjöndum sigr...” Gabriel sighed and set the instrument down, staring at the fire. Sam stepped out and walked over to sit down next to him.

   “That was beautiful,” Sam praised, holding the book he had grabbed close to his chest.

   “It’s just an old song they used to sing for Blót,” Gabriel shrugged, picking the small guitar back up. “It’s not even about me.”

   “It still sounds great when you sing it,” Sam smiled softly. “Would you sing more?”

   “You like my singing?” the archangel raised an eyebrow.

   “Yeah.”

   “Okay,” Gabriel smiled and continued the song, strumming on the guitar.. “Heilir æsir...Heilar ásynjur...Heil sjá in fjölnýta fold…” He looked up at Sam, who was completely entranced by Gabriel’s singing. “Mál ok mannvit...gefið okkr mærum tveim...ok læknishendr, meðan lifum…”

   “Wow,” Sam set his book down on the end table and sighed. “Gabriel, that’s amazing.”

   “It’s just a song, Sam,” he replied, chuckling a little.

   “Yeah but...Why aren’t you normally like this?” Sam blurted out.

   “Like what?”

   “Sweet and kind and…” Sam looked down and blushed a little. “You know...not a horny douche.”

   “Oh, you mean you didn’t like my pick up lines?” Gabriel laughed, then sighed and leaned back in his chair. “It’s just easier. With my brothers and then the other gods, I had to keep up this persona that just kind of became my default setting.” He shrugged and sank into his chair some more. “Anything else that I might be just seems like a weakness.”

   Sam stood up and walked over to Gabriel, holding out his hand. “Come on.”

   “What?” Gabriel looked at Sam’s hand and then his face, confused.

   "Um...How about you make like a turkey and let me stuff you?” Sam covered his quickly reddening face with his other hand and groaned. “I can’t believe I just said that.”

   Gabriel grinned and grabbed Sam’s hand, standing up. “That was the best present ever,” he said, wrapping his arms around Sam’s waist. He snapped his fingers and pulled Sam’s hand away from his face, then pointed up.

   Sam looked and saw that there was a sprig of mistletoe hovering above their heads. “Really?” Sam asked, smiling.

   “Really,” Gabriel stood up on his tiptoes and Sam leaned down, capturing the archangel’s lips. He smiled into the kiss as his mouth opened up to Gabriel’s, and he swore that nothing had ever tasted so sweet. As they kissed and held each other tight, Sam made a vow to never refuse anything for so long. At the same time, Gabriel promised to never give up on anything again. Especially Sam.

**Author's Note:**

> [English version of the song and translation](http://www.odins-gift.com/pclass/hailday.htm)  
>  Most pickup lines thought up by myself, [Zomberflie](http://zomberflie.tumblr.com/), and [Hixystix](http://hixystix.tumblr.com/).


End file.
